I .............................................................. do hereby solemnly swear that while on holiday with my friends I will forsake being chatted up by any waiter/bar boy/gigolo and, in the event of weakening, whether in drink or otherwise, will definitely not:
Believe any compliment, however ludicrous, that I must ‘be 21’, or ‘be with my mother’ and that my eyes ‘must have been stolen from the stars in heaven’
Spend the rest of my holiday mooning about like a lovestruck schoolgirl over the aforementioned waiter/bar boy/gigolo and boring everyone else to death with descriptions of his eyes/lips/hair/other less obvious attributes
Decide to remain behind in holiday resort in belief that the waiter/bar boy/gigolo is ‘different’ from all the others, despite everyone else swearing he is far worse
Choose to marry aforementioned male immediately in some incomprehensible wedding ceremony in which I haven’t a clue as to what is really going on and the rings are plastic
Promise to give aforementioned male all my worldly goods, my life savings and credit cards, my home, regular income, child benefits/pension, while, at his request, severing all links with my family, friends and past, in the belief I will henceforth live happily in remote mountain village acting as servant/slave to his extended family and tending goats from dawn to dusk and sleeping on bare ground
Pay for aforementioned’s mother’s cancer treatment/grandmother’s leaking roof/random relative’s funeral/uncle’s new kebab shop in Yorkshire (delete as applicable)
Spend a further five years fighting for aforementioned’s right to visa before returning with him penniless to Britain
Complain when aforementioned waiter/bar boy/gigolo dumps me for some younger model and occasionally calls me to declare his love and ask for money/car/clothes/sex
Signed.................................................................
Date ...................................
Witness’s signature............................................
Date ...................................
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