After I had my baby, I wanted to kill myself.

When I gave birth to my son Declan I expected to feel a rush of love for him. It never arrived. Instead I was completely unable to bond with him.
Before having a child I’d been happy and confident. Afterwards I felt really low. I was irritable and quick to lose my temper.

One day Declan was crying. I got angry and screamed to my husband Darren: ‘Will you shut him up?’ He looked appalled and said: ‘He’s a baby. He’s going to cry. You have to deal with it, Shirley.’ I couldn’t believe his response. I was so furious. I lashed out and slapped him hard across the face. He bent down, scooped Declan into his arms and left me alone in the house.

As the door closed behind him, I burst into tears. He came back later, by which time I had calmed down. He called the doctor and I was diagnosed with postnatal depression. I was put on antidepressants. After four years I was still on medication when I found out I was pregnant again. Our second son Connor was born and my depression was twice as bad. The thought of going to the shops filled me with dread.

I’d get hot and my heart would beat fast. I was in a big black hole. One night I told Darren: ‘I don’t trust myself to wash up knives. I’m scared I might kill myself.’ I was appointed a psychiatric nurse who visited me once a week. It was seven months before I felt strong enough to leave the house. I started working evenings in a nearby newsagent’s.

One day I was putting copies of Take a Break on the shelves when something caught my eye. It was a story about a woman called Lucy Jolin. She said she had hated her new baby and wanted to die.

It was exactly how I’d felt. The article explained how Take a Break was setting up Chums4mums. I signed up.

There was story after story of mothers suffering from postnatal depression. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t been the only one feeling that way. After a couple of days I received an e-mail. It said: I’m Tracey. I read your profile on the Chums4mums website. I’m going through the same thing. Can you help me?

We became good friends and supported each other. We’re in constant contact now and I feel stronger than ever. I can honestly say that Chums4mums saved me from suicide.

From Shirley Pook, 28, of Kidderminster, Worcs